"In your pain you find your values, and in your values you find your pain"

December 29, 2014

...There cannot be right or wrong values because, by definition, your values are how you are evaluating your own behavior. Values are the ruler.


...Feelings are not good guides for behavior...If you chose to be a loving partner but decide to be loving only when feelings of love for your partner were present, what would happen? You probably would be a pretty terrible partner. Part of being a partner is showing up when things are decidedly not pleasant, when feelings of love are difficult to come by. And thus, with values, it is important to separate them from feeling any certain way. Values are sometimes hard to follow partly because they are linked to the pain we feel in our lives. By definition, if you care about something, you can be hurt by it. If you love your partner deeply, your partner can hurt you by cheating on you or not supporting you. Engaging the vitality of living requires that you open up to the possibility of pain. It is like two sides of the same coin. A place where you care deeply is also a place where you can be hurt. And usually, as you step toward things that are valued, painful things happen fairly quickly. And your logical mind says, "Going in that direction is going to be painful. I will protect you, and the way I’ll protect you is by keeping you from doing that."


...Values work is defining what a person really cares about. It is not a prediction. It is not an evaluation. We are not asking to predict whether or not the person would be able to do this. This is different. It is getting down to the gut: If you could be about anything, what would you be about?


...In your pain you find your values, and in your values you find your pain...

Hayes, Steven C. & Lillis, Jason (2012). Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.

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